i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
