just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
