Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
