Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
