it was like eating out sand paper
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's shark week go big or go home
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
