I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
