U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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