we made out on top of his cat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
