I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
