He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
