dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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