Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
