my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
