if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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