I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
