Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
