Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
