the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
