i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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