This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
