i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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