just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
