swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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