Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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