he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just invented taco cereal.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
