when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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