went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
