i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
