I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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