I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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