she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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