my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
