So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
