i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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