sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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