I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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