I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
