he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
