I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
