she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
