Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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