So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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