remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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