sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
