no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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