I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
