My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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