Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
