I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
