I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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