just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
